So I'm doing my Honours this year, insha Allah. And I've just received my schedule for the year. It doesn't look easy. And truthfully, I'm scared. Really scared.
All these thoughts are running through my head: what if I'm stupid and not really cut out for honours? They're going to find out I'm a fraud and am not really a scientist! They're going to laugh at me! What if I don't know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it? What if the people in the lab look down on me and think I'm some stupid scientist wannabe?
My self-esteem is at a real low at the moment. And I am also stressing about my future at the moment. For me, honours is a stepping stone. A taste of what path I want to take. Insha Allah I would like to pursue a medical career. I want to become a doctor. And I want to study Medicine after my Honours year insha Allah.
I have the medical school admissions test called the GAMSAT in March.. and looking at my Honours schedule for March.. I am going to have one hectic schedule. I'm scared that I won't be able to get things done. I'm scared of the possibility that I would be faced with disappointment once again. I'm scared that I won't get the GAMSAT mark I need. I'm scared that I won't do well in Honours.
During this entire trip in Indonesia, meeting family.. I've been asked countless times what I am studying. "I'm studying Medical Science" I tell them. And it just makes me cry a little inside when they think I'm studying to be a doctor. "No, not yet. Hopefully I will after Medical Science. I'm going to be sitting the GAMSAT in March and hopefully next year I will be studying Medicine and then become a doctor."
See the thing is... it would be embarassing if I don't get in right?
I should really stop thinking these things. I know that I want to do Medicine because I WANT to do it. Not because of my pride, or expectations family members have of me. I should really change my way of thinking and be more positive. And have faith in Allah Subhaanahu wa ta 'alaa.
Please make do'a for me. That I do achieve my dream. I want to become a doctor.
Insha Allah I will.